


Teaplot

by AfternoonBreak



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Meta, Spoilers for RE8 (Pre-release material only)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:55:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28905213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AfternoonBreak/pseuds/AfternoonBreak
Summary: Ethan does NOT want to continue the Redfield bloodline.That's a problem.
Kudos: 7





	Teaplot

It began as any other day, with a cloudy sky, dull colors, the occasional jumpscare, a loading meter every few doors, and the eerie feeling of only existing on some nerd’s hard drive. But everybody has  _ those  _ thoughts, right?  
There I was, with Mia, in front of a pretty big window of the definitely-not-harbinger-of-death variety, discussing… things, as we always did.  
“It’s a beautiful day, out there,” Mia said truthfully. “I sure hope nothing bad happens to m--”

**_BANG!!!!!!!!!_ **

And there she was, on the floor, dark_blood.jpeg pouring from her head. Mia had been shot throughout that window.

“Dammit!” I shouted angrily. “Why did she have to die!?”  
A gruff, galilean, gaumless voice growled, “I needed a plot.”  
“ _ What?!? _ ”  
“Teapot, I mean. I need a teapot.”  
“Fuck your teapot!” I said. “My wife just died!”  
“And so will you if you don’t cooperate,” the person said, entering the front door.

I recognized Chris Redfield. Now, he was a big, burly, bearded man.

I jerked up and muttered, “What did you say?”  
He replied, “Ethan, you need to conceive with my sister.”  
“Wha-”  
“PERPETUATE THE REDFIELD BLOODLINE, ETHAN!”  
  


I ran away that day, but somehow, he’d always catch up to me. Sometimes, I’d look away for just a second, and he’d have reappeared much closer to me. At one point, I was discreetly moving through a forest and I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder, and a violin panicked big time, making both Chris and me jump. Motherfucking violins, always there to be more terrifying than the actual events.  
  
But it had been a while since Chris had last been scared, while I lived my daily life like that. So I escaped. I got to a weird castle, met a charming and very, very, very tall lady vampire and her daughters. Some werewolves and a strange merchant were also on my way, but after surviving the Baker family, I was pretty much prepared to face anything.

Except for Chris Redfield.   
  
Even in rooms where I stopped to save my file (what does that mean, anyway), he’d show up. Loading screens? They offered no protection against Chris’s reality-bending powers. No amount of saving-reloading, shooting bullets, or anything got rid of him.  


So I wised up. Figured I needed some strategy, but somehow there was no walkthrough on the net. Nobody must have got to that part yet…  


I had to use my brain.

Nothing came up.

So I walked, ran, hid, and finally got fed up. I turned around and faced him. The pale moonlight illuminated the pale ground, my pale face and the pale fire. Even Chris’s black coat was pale.  
The developers should probably crank up the colors just a bit.

He walked towards me. I waited until we were almost nose to nose. I couldn’t care less about his scornful look. I was done.

He opened his mouth, “Ethan-”  
“FUCK YOUR SISTER, CHRIS!”  
“...Wha-”  
“IF YOU WANT AN HEIR, DO IT YOURSELF FOR GOD’S SAKE.”  
“But-”  
“Fuck you, fuck your sister, fuck your bloodline, fuck this game, fuck that vampire lady, fuck those witches, fuck my poor stamina, fuck the PS5 shortage, fuck the 2020s, fuck the pandemic, fuck the rich, fuck politicians, fuck you, fuck you, fuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!”  
“...”  
“...”  
“...”  
“AND FUCK YOUR TEAPOT!”

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Wrote it in one go. I should probably go to sleep...  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it. I just needed to get it out.
> 
> I hope you are well, see you next time!


End file.
